Enquiry

To be honest I cannot believe that July is going to end soon and it is already the middle of the summer!

Last week the GP visited my patient but as it was my day off I didn't meet her. Anyway, my patients wife mentioned that I'm a nearly graduated Junior Doctor and she was even more happy when she noticed that the GP has been impressed with that piece of news.
Not good for me though. I didn't feel like I have wanted to explain anybody why I am nearly graduated and why a Junior Doctor decided to work as a Carer. However, as far as I know the GP also had to find her own way to start working in GB as she's from South Africa and she was obliged to pass some exams to be allowed to work here as a doctor.


Anyway, today I have again begun to have some doubts about how am I going to start my career in the UK after completion polish internship. Some people claim that it is better to work even for two years as a carer in the UK and then to start doing whole FP in GB, instead of doing first year in Poland and trying to do the second one in the UK.


I might be naive but I have sent an email to GMC and UKFPO to ask them about the possibilities I have now and I may have after the internship in Poland.

Ordinary post

I don't know what to tell you. My days are pretty same.
Maybe except the nightmare which I've had tonight. This doesn't happen very often.

I have probably mentioned already that I like it here. Everytime I go out I dream about owning one of these houses which I admire when I'm walking through this town. Adorable white tiny windows and wooden doors, walls which have been built several hundered years ago and plenty of other details which force me to slowly fall in love with this town.
I honestly do like it here :)

I know it's been not even two weeks since I'm here and maybe I'll be tired in few weeks, but I like my job here. I like people I work for and I like my patient. He's an old clever man.

I would like to write about something more interesting, but nothing unexpected happened lately.
Maybe except the fact that I had to realize the fact that someone who I like has his own life and he'll never become a part of my life and my story.
Time to forget and move on - and I'm desperately trying to do that.

To be honest - when nothing extrordinary is going on in my life for two or three days - I really get soooo bored.. Like today..

Easy mistakes

Drop after drop, one rainy day after another.. This is England. To be honest I do not mind weather like this.

I have begun my tiny research about possible ways of exploring my career in the UK and the most suitable way for me to gain as much experience as I can. So I begun to read about Ambulance Services in the UK and I have begun to wonder how could I get job like this one?
Anyway, I've begun reading Paediatrics again. Slowly, page after page, this is how I like to study.

I give medication to my patient 4 times a day. One time is around 12:30 PM. Today he's been so immersed in the movie he's been watching, that he even didn't notice when I've finished my job! I'm glad - that means that despite his condition, he doesn't mind getting drugs via PEG and sometimes he forgets he's got one some time ago.

It occured to me how easily a serious mistake can be made! Personally, I check the drugs and doses which I'm giving three or four times - but I have plenty of time to do that. In the hospital, on the ward you have to work twice or three times faster than I do now I suppose, so any possible mistake can be made easily. I've realized once again how responsible one should be to administer medications to the patients. Seriously!
How it is possible that no one I know mentioned anything about that during our studies?

I've had a lovely sweet cake after lunch today and I feel so happy and pleased about it! This is why I do not want to open my books and begin studying now :) And these cakes are so tempting....! :)

Struggling

Why do I struggle with my life? Why do I complicate it instead of making it easier? I guess this is just the way I am..

Few days ago I've got a chance to meet The Kindle 4 face to face! And I think this might be exactly what I need! I have begun to read a bit about different kinds of e-Readers and I think I've made up my decision about buying Kindle Touch 3G + WiFi.

And this is one of the reasons why I have always wanted to live my life in the UK! I can work, earn money and save some cash for myself easily so I can buy whatever I feel I want to have. It wouldn't be possible in Poland.. Not if you have to live on your own and when at the same time you want to enjoy your life and save money. If someone hasn't tried to live in other country than Poland, he or she will never understand how it's like and why it feels so great!

People I live with are warm and lovely. I feel like a member of this family and hopefully it will be like that till the end of my contract which is on the 4th of December. Maybe I'll prolong it for few more weeks. Anyway, I feel great here. It's a good way to begin living my own life I think.

Luckily it's raining in the Oxfordshire today, so I'm not going anywhere. I'm glad I do not have to be in Poland right now where they have 32 degrees in the shade today :)

New job

Some time ago I have decided to begin working as a live-in carer after I graduate. Well.. I did not graduated in June, but I have had to begin working anyway, so I hope I'll manage to work and prepare for my last exam which is in August. If not, I'll have to wait a year to graduate.

Anyway, today is my first day of Care Assistant job in Oxfordshire. I've received almost the whole training already and hopefully I'll manage to do my job properly.

I think that this blog might turn out to be a bit boring, cause my days are going to be pretty same - taking care of my patient and then studying for the last exam I have. 8 weeks and then we'll see what will happen.
 Hopefully I'll improve my English as well.

I think that tonight I'll go to bed early and since tomorrow I'll begin my routine.

I wish I haven't passed that exam. I wish I haven't passed IELTS well enough as well. I wish I didn't manage to get to the Foundation Training 2012-2014.
I wish I have fallen in love with a man that cannot be mine.
My life decided to go completely other way than it should have and I still don't know why..

Lost

Everything went wrong.
Becoming a Junior Doctor got complicated.

After 7 exams in a row I've been missing just one - Paediatrics. I've managed to pass the test.. barely, but I did. Then I've had to examine the patient. It went even worse but I've passed as well..And then I've failed my oral exam. Twice.
My last chance will be in August. If not - I'll have to wait a year and take the test once again with people one year younger than me.

I have fallen in love.. a bit. But he's with someone else. He's engaged.
We've said goodbyes two days ago and today I've deleted all messages he sent me since we've met. I need to forget about him. He's not mine. I have to forget the time we've had together.


In two days I'm flying to the UK with a suitcase full of books and the heart full of sorrow.
I have fallen in love and now it hurts.
And I have an exam to pass.


I am lost.

Studying

Studying for the seventh exam in a row turned out to be quite difficult. 
My brain goes off too quickly, I fall asleep too easily and my coffee doesn't work as it should.
Plus I have no idea why on Earth I haven't used my favourite mug today to prepare my first morning coffee.. Why, why, why..? I'll tell you why!
It seems like I just had to take The Shaky Mug, make coffee and then spill it all over my notes..
Great...

I need to remember to sort out the paperwork about my summer job...

The time before The End

Not much time left in this place, at this Univ. Two exams left, Forensic Medicine and Paediatrics.
And I'm glad.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before, but as soon as I'll become a doctor, I'll begin working not as a medic. I have found a job as a Live-In Carer and at the moment I'm organizing my last documents before beginning the whole training and the job.

One of my colleagues told me to quit it before I'll sign any papers cause that kind of job is simply just not good enough for me.
I see his point. Everybody could said "I am a doctor. I'm not going to work as a HCA.", but frankly I am asking "What kind of doctor am I actually?" And the truth is I'm no one.

Newly qualified junior doctor without the right to possess full registration at the GMC. I am no one until I'll finish my internship. So what kind of job can I do?
Besides, I am not a Princess nor a bigwig, so why can't I work as a HCA? I honestly can't see the reason why I shouldn't try.

I do know though that it might turn out to be a bit difficult for me to deal with this job, not physically but mentally. I have already heard a little bit about the man I'll be taking care of and no doubt  it'll be quite demanding task.. Yes, I must admit that. However, I'm going to try myself and put myself into this challenging situation. Anyway, we'll see...

All of this does not change the fact that I can't wait 'till my plane will land in the UK again, 'till I'll hear BBC News and I'll buy some British magazines and begin improving my English immediately :)
Let's hope for that :)

Nothing alike

Lately I haven't been following much other blogs simply beause I've been concentrated mainly on my studies, exams, being all stressed out and thinking about attending and not attending our graduation party in October.

I have to say, when I saw that there is a nice hotel next to the restaurant where our party is going to be organised, I thought it is another fact, which nearly convinced me. I say "nearly" cause I've made up my mind when I saw that on the groundfloor of the hotel there is a hairdresser & beautician :p :) Yep, now I can join the Graduation Party :p


What occured to me lately is that one of the Junior Doctors, who used to write a lot, got busy so much since she started working, that now she's posting something once a month or so.. The same thing happened with my "E-mail-Friend", who begun his F1 year in August 2011. It looks like they are pretty busy there!
It is a bit scary for me but at the same time I'm thinking about how much they learn there every single day..!


So I begun thinking about what I am going to do during my internship and.. frankly.. if I do not have a plan for myself and if I do not keep myself busy at work, I am going to finish everyday around midday and no one is going to care about it..
Now I've realized why my friends kept telling me that UK and Polish internships are nothing alike..


Nevertheless, I have a plan for the next 12 months of my life. I'm glad.

Distraction

Sometimes it is surprisingly easy to distract me. Especially when I fall in love with someone for a week or two. Personally I hate these days and I've been trying to avoid them as much as I could - you're unable to concentrate and study effectively, you cannot focus on your goals and suddenly you do not want to get up at 7 am. Instead, you prefer to stay in bed and dream.. dream.. dream about all the things he or she said and did..
Horrifying!!!

It cannot happen to me again..!

What should happen is to pass the rest of my exams. I've managed to get quite satisfying grades in Orthopedics and Anesthesio.. I know already I've passed Psychiatry and Oncology, but I've no idea about the mark they gave me. And I have three exams to go: Family Medicine, Forensic Medicine and Pediatrics. The last one will be the worst one... Step by step - that's the plan!

Successfully I've managed to hear some news about my job for the summertime and I am organizing all the papers and documents, everything should be ready before July, so I could begin my work ASAP.

I still haven't changed my mind about my Life. It is messing around with me pretty much and I am too tired to fight with it and whatever it'll bring me.

I am literally speachless. I have severe laryngitis after 2 days of studying and discussing old questions for the exam and then after drinking cold beer and talking so much with people! :p
It was worth it though :)

I guess all my closest friends and family know that they cannot try to persuade me to do something, because most likely I'll do the opposite no matter what.
After months and months of sending emails, applying for jobs, studying for IELTS and not getting the desired score, after considering all my options, I have finally became able to make a firm decision (I believe..) about my future :p

Firstly, not getting 7,5 from IELTS from each doamin (again..!) most likely excludes me from the eligibility checking period for the FP 2013-2015. So.. to do not extend the time during which I won't be working as a doctor, it occured to me that it will be better to become a fully registered doctor in Poland anyway, then begin working as a SHO while waiting for F2 2014-2015 to begin. In the meantime, I would have to pass an IELTS finally (!!!!!!!) and I have 13 more months to do that.. untill Eligibility Checking Period in July-August 2013.

There are always pros and cons of every decision, but generally I need to think about what kind of experience I want, I need and where and how I want to explore my career further.
But I still would like to work during the summer time.. and I hope I'll get the job which I've been already discussing with my future employer.

So I guess there will be more stories from Polish hospitals written in English. Everybody are welcome to read :)

Lately..

Short update.
My IELTS results could be enough for an internship in Ireland but probably won't be enough to make me a candidate eligible to apply for FP 2013. That's why I'll end up in Ireland probably or I'll have to be back to accomplish my internship in Poland. We will see..

I've passed Orthopedics recently though.. The next step is Anesthesiology.. Scary exam, cause the questions might be pretty surprising.. Plus there's simply no time to study again for that later..!

I'm still applying for a HCA job, but hardly anyone gives me respond for my applications. There are days when I barely can look at the screen and work in front of my computer, because of all this checking adverts and browsing websites..!

Well.. luckily I have only 2 weeks and 2 days at University to spend and six exams to go, yay! :)

What if..?

The more I think about the latest exam, the more I'm sure I'm not going to get desired result.. Damn.. However, I began to follow the recruitment for interns in Ireland and if anything goes wrong I'll end up in Ireland for a year.. hopefully..

My friend inspired me to read a little bit about doing PhD... abroad of course.. Well, I have to say I have a lot to think about. Firstly, what if I loose my permission to pratice medicine in Poland? Secondly, what if I want to do PhD in Poland? Thirdly, what if I decided to begin my PhD abroad while doing my Speciality Training?
Above it all, what if the world will explode?!
I mean, in that way I can think about anything and everything at the same time: buying an old and abandoned palace in Poland, rebuilding it and selling with profit; starting an interior design course; buying a house in London, marrying a famous person or starting a family. Life is simply too short to do it all!!!

For now I only continue to search for any job offers for newly qualified med students plus I can feel the atmosphere of exams, which are getting closer and closer each day..

Three Days

Yesterday.. For the second time I've tried to get from an IELTS exam desired result, 7,5 from each domain. Frankly, I've no idea how did it go. And I'm way too tired to analyse it. Too exhausted to think about it or to ask myself "What if I've failed?"..

Today, I've finally watched the latest two episodes of "The Voice UK", yay! :) First of all, I love that kind of TV shows in which everything is only about the music and second of all.. :))) ..my beloved Danny from The Script is one of the coaches and I just adore him :p I know, I sound like 13 years old teenager, but I just can't help it! :)

Besides, it's been only three days since I'm 25! I announce it everytime I can, cause I'm so excited because of getting old! I feel like I want to taste my juicy life every single day and make my dreams come true :)
So no matter how my exam went, I'm still going to begin my career in the UK, live there and enjoy a company of English, Scottish, Welsh and Irish guys of course :)))

Seriously, when I listen to the music on the radio and I hear one of the British musicians and I read articles in English I begin wondering how long it will take before I'll end up in the UK.

Blurry future

Like I've said - Swedish internship faded away. I called this HR agency and they've explained me why I'm not eligible for these posts. However, they told me to re-write my CV again and emphasize all my medical experience in order to become a perfect candidate to work in a hospital. What is more, the lady mentioned that I might be a suitable candidate to work in one of the private hospitals as a Medical Assistant - or something like that.
Well.. let's hope for that.

6 weeks and 4 days at the Univ left and 8 exams.
Do you know why I count so frequently this time which we've left? I wish I could press FF button, cause I want to know so badly where I'll end up in the nearest and furthest future! :)

Besides, the Internet scares me!!!
I've met a guy who I haven't seen in a long time. We talked a bit and when I wanted to text him later I've noticed I've lost his mobile phone number. At least I thought I lost it - how it is possible to memorise somebody's number in your phone and then to not be able to find it?! Well.. I'm extraordinary I guess! :) So I decided to find him somewhere online. I typed his full name and surname and what I've found..? His photos on some Model Management Agency's website! Lovely photos, by the way! :) I continued to stare at them for a while.. Too bad he's married.. I knew that this kind of guy couldn't be single for long.

I guess I'll try really hard to cover my presence on-line.

Songs

Did I ever mention that long time ago I've chosen to do not listen to whiny romantic songs?
You may call me a miserable lonely girl who's been hurt, call it as you like, but still I'll tell you that I do not believe in love. Someone somehow made me not to believe. Or I should say: I let him to crush whatever it was that I beleved in.

Don't get me wrong, I have several favourite love songs. One of them is "Wicked game", but still: the song does not tell a happy love story, so...
If I can I choose sad songs about broken hearts. At least I do understand the lyrics perfectly.

At the University 8 weeks and 8 exams left. Did I mention before that I can't wait 'till the end of it? :)

Interviews

Several weeks ago, I've been lying in my bed and I've been thinking over and over again about my life. Suddenly, I got up, made a firm decision and begun to apply for every job, which was possible to start from July 2012. I decided that I just need to find something before FP 2013 will start. Most of the replies which I've recived the next day, mainly from hospitals, were "Too soon to say.", "Too early to apply.", "I'm afraid we're looking for someone right now." so I've send few emails to Polish job agencies, which cooperate with the agencies in the UK.

Yesterday I've had my first phone interview with one of the English job agencies, which hires people to work as a Live-In-Carer. Some of their questions surprised me, but in general the lady I talked to was pleased about my answers and asked me to participate in a Training Week organised in the UK. In my case, the best thing in this job is that I'll have a place to stay from the beginning and money is great. However, if we consider amount of hours spent on doing things it might turn out I'd earn per hour much less than most of the people. Besides, I'd have only 2 hours each day for myself and for instance 1 week of vacation after 4 weeks of work. As for a curious 25 years old woman who can't wait untill meeting new friends, not being able to go out and travel might be a huge problem..

So I've called another job agency in Poland, which at least once in a month organises an interview with a possible employer, to find out how can I get a Care Assistant job in a nursing home or a hospital. Although money which I'd get would be enough only to pay the bills and it would be hard to save some cash for later, I'd be obliged to work full time (plus overhours..yay!!!:)) and spend my free time as I want. Besides, I'd live wherever I want and go out with whoever I want. When we've begun to discuss details and I've mentioned I'm going to become a Junior Doctor soon, she asked me about an Internship in the UK. I've explaind her my situation briefly and she said: "Well, there is another option. You could consider doing your internship in Sweden. You just need to agree for the 3 months training with language course and then to work there for at least 12 months."

I don't know how many of you would agree immediately for such opportunity to gain completely new experience right after hearing it, but honestly, in 99% I've been ready to say "Yes, please! Where do I sign?". Am I crazy? :)

So hopefully I'll be between choosing Live-In-Carer job, HCA job and an Internship in Sweden (!!!), however these things are so fresh and tentative that they might as well fade away as quickly as they have appeard.Nevertheless, I'll still be searching for some occupation relted to my field of studies.

Ordinary days

Firstly, I would like to say big "Hello!" for the first three observers who decided to follow me and my way to make my dreams come true :)

Several months ago, in October, when I've realized I'm unable to apply for the FP 2012 and I've had no idea what to do next, I wouldn't even predict that so many external factors will come up in my life and influence my decision about leaving this place.
To make things clear: I'm definitely going to prepare all necessary documents to apply for the Internship in Poland and I will send these papers to whoever is going to be responsible for its organisation, however I'll do whatever I can to find a job, any kind of job, in the UK to begin my life over there.
Maybe I need to start from the lowest rung in the ladder of my life and career, so I could climb higher everyday and finally reach the top..

Although I learn English and continue to practice it everyday, I am aware that it is still not enough to speak to the patients and other doctors. When it comes to my English, the lack of confidence in my case might turn out to be petrifying..

My days are so ordinary lately.. No stress at the Univ, no exciting news. Maybe except the fact that one of my Uni-friends made me not to speak to her and not to keep in touch with her any longer. One day she's just said out loud how is she feeling about my huge UK-plans and suggested that it's more likely I'll end up in Poland, begging on the street for some extra money cause my polish salary won't be enough for me.. My blood pressure has jumped rapidly, I clenched my teeth, bit my tounge and didn't even try to defend myself, simply cause she's impossible to discuss with. Then I've just slurred quietly "F*ck yourself.. just wait and we'll see..". Such arguments only make me want to leave even more..


Anyway, in 26 days I'll be 25 :) Magical day! I've said it before - I'm going to make the next 5 years of my life, The Best Time in my life ever! :) Keep your fingers crossed for that!
 

Freakin' easy, huh?

So many times so far I wanted to give up. Honestly..
Every single freakin' time when I write another essay or report I ask myself "Is it worth it? Shouldn't I give up? Am I able to achieve that? Isn't this simply too much?"
Everytime I fail or I begin to have doubts I wonder whether I am right with what I'm about to do..

It might look like it's so freakin' easy, so clear, so effortless to turn the whole life upside down, but it's not. However, isn't it what I do? 
A man who first said that following your dreams is a damn hard road to take, absolutely knew what he's been saying.. 

I guess the most important thing here is to do not give up, despite all the doubts which began to tie us down. 

Friends

I've always been thinking that in old times people by Friendship ment a relationship with someone since they've been 5 years old.
When I was a little girl I've been dreaming about having someone with who I could be able to keep in touch for ages. Today I think I believed too much in the stories written in all the novels I've read.
I look at people from the town where I grew up and I know I could not fit into this place anymore. These who still live there I call "Hometown friends". Although I still keep in touch with a couple of them, the proper number of real friends is... emmm... One? And she does not live in our hometown anymore!

Then we have University. New friends were one of the reasons why I did not change Univ after the first year, to study closer to my Hometown. At University I've met plenty of lovely and inspiring people and they've all became my "University friends". Of course we've had our "ups and downs" but we managed to survive six years together. But after such along time you get to know exactly to whom you can trust and to whom you should not believe. This explains why I diminished the number of my real friends markedly. What's more I've mentioned previously that cutting off another person does not hurt anymore as it used to.
Above all of this I love my relationship with one of the girls - she does her stuff and I do mine, and when we meet and talk about serious things we can say everything to each other. And even if we choose to do not to say all, it's also OK. But for instance, even if I'd say I did something extremely risky or stupid she'd say "Wow! You actually are crazy!" and we'd laugh about it, while other people would say "Oh my God! How could you do that!!!" and they'd be shocked and start gossiping about it like it's a big deal when it's not!

Finally we have "All around the world friends" with who I can talk or email once a month, or twice a year and it's still OK. I am busy with my life and they are busy with their, but I do remember them and they remember about me. No hurt feelings, just plesant memories. What else may I need? :) And there's one more good thing about them - they can look at your life and your problems from a veeeery long distance and might give you a piece of advice which no one else could. Their ideas sometimes turn out to be the best ones!

I'm back to the University again. One week of lessons is over, 12 weeks to go :) I'm on Psychiatry currently and although it's quite interesting, I cannot immagine doing this job. I'm too.. I don't even know how to name it..
I think my mind is closed for Psychiatry and analysing all those stories made up in patients heads.
I guess I'll stick to other kinds of specialities :) 

Not distracted

I do realize that listening to me when I keep talking only about myself might be annoying and I really do appreciate my roommate who is patient enough to hear me out everytime I need to speak out, which is practically everyday.

Tomorrow I'm about to start my very last semester as a student at my University and although the whole unknown future and mature life with its mature decisions really scare me I can't wait till the day I'll get my diploma and begin to live truly on my own. I know it's gonna be difficult at the beginning, well - I honestly have nothing, but on the other hand - having no obligations, no car, no flat, no urgent credit to pay back make life simpler and decisions about going abroad are supposed to be easier to make as well.

Several things distracted me lately though.

Firstly I talked to some guy from one of the Scandinavian countries and he happend to be pretty honest about what's his opinion about life in PL in general. I couldn't disagree with him when he talked about the quality of life in here, money ect. however people just keep staying here and living their "poor life" in "poor country". Something makes them to stay. I honestly had no idea how to respond him, cause I was as well someone who do not know anything about the world or life and how great it can be when you have a lot of money.


That's actually the truth. I come from a place where people who know that I'm going to become a doctor who speaks English and managed to survive one year of studies in Italy, consider me as someone extremely successful, whereas for really successful people what I've achieved is nothing extrordinary.
Plenty of my friends took this twice longer and harder road to start studying Medicine. From small city and really poor school they managed to pass their finals and get the score high enough to get to The Faculty of Medicine. Many of them had or have nothing like I do. Well, at least not much, although my Italian, Swedish or Norwegian friends would for sure say that I have truly nothing.

Another thing which diverted my mind for a short time was a tiny crush which I've had on someone. It lasted like 5 days when I've finally said "No, it's not him." and on the sixth day I've found out he's married! Sh*t! Well, what can I say. I liked the guy, but..
Well, this helped me to realize how easy it is to distract me! Although I miss having someone, I don't have time for "trying" to be with someone. I just need to find The One, or perhaps he has to find me and convince me that he's The One. That makes things more complicated..
Besides, I cannot be disturbed right now! I need to pass all the final exams, so until the end of June I won't have time to fall in love with anyone! Anyone at all!


I began to listen to The Script again. I forgot that I used to enjoy all of their songs without even one exception! Somehow they remind me about my goals..
One last thing: how it can be even possible that a man can love a woman like it's being sung in songs???

Indecisive

OMG! I am such a Lady!!! Such an indecisive woman!
You wouldn't guess what I've done lately..

I'll begin with explaining that I'm back at Ob&Gyn department to spend there few more days before starting new semester and I started to think about my internship over and over again.
Moreover, I even draw three timelines, for years 2012, 2013 and 2014 to see clearly when the internship in Poland and in the UK begins, when I could gain full registration as a doctor in the GMC or when I could start working as a SHO.

And then I called my mum to chat about usual things and I mentioned something about my internship - that it would be less complicated to do it in Poland and then to apply for a Speciality Training or to leave and work in England as a SHO. She just laughed and I said "You're probably right, it might change hundered times before I'll finish University". ;)

And yes, I've been writing previously "UK definitely" and now my life is like the title of one of the movies "Definitely, Maybe". Right..

A beautiful day

Last Monday, I've been so busy and so tired that I went to bed around 9 p.m.

In the morning I've had the oral part of Ob&Gyn exam and it was one of the most important days for me this year. The questions I got weren't difficult and I was ready to answer immediately, so I started and kept talking until the examiner stopped me and asked me to move to another topic and then to another. This is why my exam lasted around 10 minutes cause the professor decided to give me an A without any doubts. Yay! :)))

Later that day I went to the Urology Department to do my afternoon shift, which is compulsory for all the students. And we've had so many patients to check on that for 5 hours we didn't have even few minutes of break!
I came back to my room after 6 p.m. totally exhausted! When I was taking the shower I thought I'm never gonna go out from there. I did however and then I immediately jumped into my bed, watch a movie and fall asleep.


And it was a beautiful day cause I've been using my brain, working as much as I could, improoving my skills and learning new things all the time!
One of the best days :)


I keep watching Junior Doctors: Your Life In Their Hands and I just wonder whether I'd be able to handle each case by myself. It helps me to realize how much I still need to learn.

The night before..

It was easy to predict.. I had to have a beer just one day before the exam.. The day is today! Tonight actually.. ;)
I've prepared half of the questions which we have.. and the second half need to wait until tomorrow.
Cause now I'm enjoying my beer and browsing ELLEs website. And "Oh My!" I love these shoes and bags and sunglasses..! And "Oh My!" it will be better for me to work 80 hours per week to do not have time to spend all my money on clothes and accessories!!! :)

It was really great to know that people appreciated my hard work and my result from the exam, although I need to take it once again. Especially, it was lovely to hear from someone who knows how is it to prepare and to take this exam. Someone who does realize how important is it and who can always give me a piece of advice.

Lately, I'm saving money to have some cash for beginning a brand new chapter of my life in England. In July, hopefully!
Enough! ELLEs website is waiting! ;)

Results

Seriously! I've no idea whether should I cry or should I laugh out loud! :)

My IELTS exam results: overall 8,0; listening 8,5; reading 9,0; writing 7,0(!!!); speaking 7,5.
In general this result is fantastic! Except writing.. and I need to retake the exam!

I got 78% in Ob&Gyn test ;) and oral part is on Monday! So I'm going back to study hard! ;)

What do we post on-line?

It is quite complicated to create a blog which suits us perfectly. Personally, I've changed the address several times until I've found The Best One. Another thing is the whole design which should be both simple but eye-catching.

At BMJ website I've read a couple of paragraphs about med students, nurses and doctors who posted too many information or pictures on their blogs, websites or Twitter about their colleagues and patients. Finally someone started to consider it as a seriuos and real problem. Frequently people cross the line without realising it. Maybe now young adults are going to be more carefull about exchanging news and saying what unusual has happened in the hospital today.

It took me a while to decide what to do next, after my graduation. And here's the plan - finally! Firstly, I'll try to find a job via NHS as a HCA or paramedic. However, I'll prepare all the documents to apply for an Internship in Poland, just in case, to do not close my way back. I hope I'll love my occupation in the UK, though.

And today, on BBC Three at 9.00 pm Junior Doctors: Your Life In Their Hands. :)

Divorced

Currently I'm studying for Ob&Gyn exam and.. well.. I remember what one of the doctors said when he wanted to compare us with the students in US. He literally said "You do not study at all!" ..how comforting!

I have absolutely no idea how my IELTS exam went. What is more, I wonder if it's worth to try again if I didn't get 7,5 from each domain.. I know I should keep trying, but I'm going to feel more like a looser who is unable to succeed. We'll see.. Up till now I continue to read english blogs about medicine and I'm asking myself when I'll finally end up in the UK practicing medicine..

I'm a divorced woman. Yes. I understood I got divorced with some of my closest friends. I've been writing previously about all the mess between us and although our situation has changed for better, it is never going to be the same again. I love both of them but there are several things which they will not forgive me. For instance, keeping in touch or sleeping from time to time with their biggest enemies.. Or "stealing" their dreams.
To be clear, a year ago when we've been talking about our future internship, I kept saying that I desire to participate in the Foundation Programme, whereas my friend wanted to find an occupation in our capital. Well, both dreams ain't coming true. I've failed and cannot start FP 2012 and she couldn't find any address where she could register to become a citizen of Warsaw. In few months situation altered markedly. I've visited our capital and became amazed by the city so much that now I seriously consider it as a place in the world where I could live in the future.

And this is what I call "Stealing dreams". I stole somebodys dream about becoming Ob&Gyn, I stole the dream about living in Warsaw and I do realize I'm sleeping occasionally with my friends enemy.. I'm nothing but pure evil.
And this is why I had to divorce my friends. Metaphorically of course.
I'm really sorry about that but life goes on. And so does my studies, so I'm going back to work hard and pass this Ob&Gyn exam.

In short..

To begin with, just 2 days left till IELTS. No comment. In my opinion I could have work more, however I do realize that I've been working all the time. Clearly this is exactly what perfectionists say: I know I've been working 24/7 nonetheless I should have practice more. Someone not mentally ill would ask "Practice more? When???" And I would say "It was possible! To sleep less, do not watch TV, do not go out.. But that would actually cause my mental illness.
I only hope that this time I'll get 7,5.. God, I beg you....

I wonder why I'm so lazy. And where did my enthusiasm disappear? I hate exams and on our last year of studies we have ten of them. I hate memorizing books and quite often I'm wondering whether those people remember easily literally everything they read or they just work so hard to remember every line from the book. And people do that, all over the world! I should have study more, but I hate memorizing things! I learn by doing things so when Ihave to prepare for something, I read, learn, think it through and then I do it.
Anyway, I cannot memorize books or a bank of questions because if I do not understand something, there's no chance I'll remember it.

Lately, I've heard some good news. My brother found a new girlfriend (luckily!) and he asked me to which part of the UK I intend to go. I have no idea where, however it is lovely to know that he and his new girlfriend plan to go to the UK as well. It would be fantastic to have him around and to know that actually there is someone who'd help me if I need a hand.
 
In brief, I need to pass IELTS, finish my studies (in less than 6 months, yeay!!!), take my brother to the UK with me and become a responsible (and educated!!!!!) Junior Doctor! :)

Ok, so here's the thing:
Some time ago, one of the readers of my polish blog where I write only about medicine, left a comment where she simply asked why I let medicine to become my whole life.
Tough question.. especially because I've never thought about myself as about someone who is focused only on medicine and has no other interests in life. In fact, I thought I've had hobbies like my travels, languages or gym and few times I've been working during summer. I mean - I kept doing things which were not related to medicine.
So I've visited this girls blog as she was from med school too and what I saw? Well, sure she was writing about medicine, but also a little bit about shopping, her boyfriend, usual daily stuff and how cute are the babies on Pediatrics. What is more she is the one who have passed all her exams in time while I am the one who is always behind with something..
So I can't see why it should be me to name The One who's more into Medicine..?
Maybe because I strictly separated my Med Life described on the blog from my Daily Life and the readers do not know much about my personal life.

On the other hand, there's not much going on in my private life. I'm a perfectionist, very strict and well organised who knows exactly what she wants. I have some fun with my friends from time to time and occasionally I like to have some fun with guys, but basically I do not date. I do not accept invitations from guys, at least not straight in the first place. If I don't like someone at the first time it is unlikely that I will like him later.
I have this weird feelings for the UK, no idea why. I adore their accents, history, tradition, some archaic models of behaviuor, victorian era, one pound coins, red telephone boxes, Jane Austen and her book.

And Medicine is not my whole life.
 

Woke up too late..!

It's very simple. I am a looser!
I have considered exploring my career in the UK, USA, Australia, Canada and Norway lately.. And I have never thought about Ireland!!!! How stupid am I? Hold on with the answer..!

So I've started to read about an Internship in Ireland which I think is the most similar to the one in Poland. And guess what.. The first stage of recruitment process has been closed three day ago..
Now you may answer: How stupid am I?!?!?! Why I've never thought about Ireland?!?!!?
The pain became even bigger when I've read that an IELTS result (7,5 from each domain of course) is going to be verified on the second stage of recruitment in Feb-March 2012, when I'll already have it!!!
Damn..! Again: how stupid, stupid, incredibly stupid am I?
Now my only rescue is something like LAT post or ANY additional posts which might become available in Northern Ireland, Scotland or Wales..
And still, I must get 7,5 from each domain!!! Am I too dumb to do that?!

Oh well.. apparently during my compulsory internship in Poland something unusual is going to happen..

To the end..

According to what has happened lately I have to admit that nothing lasts forever.

Long story short: I am alone. How so?

I used to think.. no.. I used to have this feeling that I can rely on my best friends. I don't feel this way anymore. And surprisingly it doesn't hurt so bad. It almost doesn't hurt at all.
One of them has a really low self-esteem. One day lately we started a converstaion and out of nowhere I've felt like she has been atacking me and pointing out all my mistakes and bad behaviours from the past five years. I was speachless. Suddenly she brought in all the situations in which she felt hurt or insulted by me, although we spoke about them previously and I truly apologized for everything and she claimed she has no hurt feelings. What is more, she felt that everything I do is better and greater and worth more than what she has ever done in her life and obviously this was my fault too.
I was in shock and I've realized that something has just came to an end between us. I didn't say it out loud, but I was sure that nothing is going to be the same again.


About a week ago, in the middle of the night, I've received a message from my second friend. She wrote that I have to stop speaking 24/7 about O&G because she's sick of listening about it. Further, she mentioned that other people has their interests and their life too, and I behave like for the first time in my life someone appreciated my work.
I knew she was right so I just wrote "Ok" and that was it. We never started this topic again.
It was true that lately the only thing I talked about was O&G, but this is how I am when I am really into something. When I've been reading about FP in the UK it was the only thing I could talk about!
On the other hand, it is not completely true that I am not interested in my friends lives and achievements. However I am not that kind of person who will start to prove something immediately, just to illustrate somebodys' wrong opinion.
And the most important thing: staying in the O&G and being noticed by the teachers actualy WAS the first time when I've felt that I did a great job and someone noticed it.
Besides she is the one who - if our friend is calling - thinks that he wants to compete with her: who got the better grade, who got the bigger grand from the University ect. This is what defines them and my self-esteem doesn't depend on that.
My self-esteem used to depend on how my friends felt about me. But I guess it won't be like that any longer.


Previously I thought I can share my happiness with my friends. I don't think this way anymore.


Now I am not surprised why the greatest minds are alone and are being accused of being egoistic and selfish. I am not saying that I am the greatest mind, cause I'm not. But if I don't get married or have a kid in the next five years, I'll focus on my career and I'll achieve something really big. And I won't be able to share my happiness with my friends because either they will blame me of being concentrated on myself or they'll fell like my work is better than their own is.

It feels like a break-up of a five-years relationship. It should hurt more, much more. It doesn't. I'm on my own again and it's ok, I got used to that.

I get it why some of my collegues has chosen long time ago to not to get very close with other people. It makes sense to me now.

In addition

Somehow I've missed 7th episode of "Junior Doctors: your life in their hands One Year Check Up" and I'm just watching it right now.
And oh my.. How I envy them! No, it's not that they took part in tv series, nor the fact that they have already started their work.. It's just.. That life! That feeling! I do realize it can be scary sometimes and everybody are afraid of their first night shift.. But still.. They actually ARE THE DOCTORS.
And I not only do have to wait few more months until my graduation, but also I'll have to wait a whole damn year untill August 2013..
Oh, how I'm hoping that they will have to make an additional recruitment round because they'll still have available places..! I really keep fingers firmly crossed for that!

I've also realized that by the end of their FY1 most of them is 25. I'm going to be 25 when I'll graduate! This means that they finish their school one year before we do in Poland. So I'm gonna be the old one! The elder Junior Doctor! How does that even sound?!

God, how I'm hoping for an additional recruitment round! 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
Later that night..: Damn! They'll never make any additional recruitment round...!

Twisted plans

I would have written all of that in my polish blog, but.. Well, first of all my closest friends became the readers of the blog so they here me talking about the same things everyday, and second of all after not getting into the recrutation for FP, what many people would call a failure, I've decided that no one, absolutely no one from my colleagues will know what I'm about to do after graduation, nor where I'm about to go or what I'm about to start. 

I need that isolation. Previously I assumed that leaving country and not getting a full-registration as a doctor is such a risky decision, that I'll need everybody's opinion about what is the smartest thing to do. And then I started to listen to everybody's tips and hints, or I should say fears and it didn't bring any help. What's more, when everything went wrong, most of the people I know started to give such advices as "You should have done this.. You should have done that.." Darn! How irritating is that?! For the most of you, you should know that  this is very caracteristic for the most of polish people, who actually didn't emigrate - saying "You should have.." when actually something can't be undone. They do not have any advice before, nor after something went wrong. They just keep saying "You should have.."
Thanks to those of my closest friends who support me no matter what!

To continue what I was talking about, I guess I'll not jump into the FY1 straight after university. I guess I'll have a year of break and this is definitely not what I've planned.
The question was will I stay in PL or not, and as I've read some documents about getting and loosing the right to work as a doctor, I think I'm gonna leave anyway.
But none of my friends can hear about that, nor my family can! 
This has to be my own decision, not influenced by anyone! 

6th year and a twisted life

My 6th year schedule recomended me today to continue my Forensic Pathology lessons this week. Although they're quite interesting I still keep reading about preterm birth from Wiliams Obstetrics and another book. I've also started preparing for IELTS again though I haven't decided yet when I'll take it. 


To be honest, I'm confused. The thing is, I didn't send my documents to Eligibility Office as without an IELTS they were incomplite. Until I'll have a desirable result, for the UKFPO I'm not eligible to work as a Foundation Junior Doctor. The question is what to do next?


I could have talk this situation through with my friends but as long as they know nothing about the UK or living and working abroad, as long as they don't know the difference, they'll only keep telling me to think carefully leaving my country straight after our graduation, without even trying to get a full registration as a doctor and a licence to practice.


The only person who tries to talk me into leaving Poland straight after my last exam is a friend (..don't know when I started to consider him one..), let's call him PJM, who graduated this year and straight after he started his F1 somewhere near the London. When he heard about my failure, he told me to leave PL anyway, to go to the UK, find any job and call NHS or whoever to get any Locum PRHO or any F1 post left by someone, as he would do so. His scenerio would scare most of my friends and my family simply because there's too many question marks in this plan. People gets scared easily. They are scared of failure so they choose safe solutions.
Deep inside I'm not like this. I've understood that my failure after Erasmus in Italy made me feel unsure about my goals. After very busy but predictable 5th year and quite lazy summer, my desire to adventure and challenges keeps rising, so even now I can say where it leads me, to what sort of choices.


Another thing is that I let them (polish people I mean) to get into my head and I started to listen to this voice which tells me that I should follow the others, do the same things like they do and never ever try something else(!). I know, it sounds unrealistic, but this is how it is. If straight after high school you don't get to the faculty you've chosen, they'll make you feel like a looser. And you may keep saying that you have a plan, you want a gap year and you'll learn more about the life than they will, but it won't help at all. Cause they know better. Same with the exams and with post-graduate career. The smaller the city is, the worse the way of thinking is.
I've understood this paradox when I left Poland for a year to do the 4th year in Italy as an Erasmus. After, I've promised myself I won't follow their way of thinking again, and today after one year I've realized it happened again. It's good that now I can clearly see it so I can try to follow my plan anyway. 


I started to wonder, what would it be like to start as a Healthcare Assistant, get a provisional registration at GMC, search for a Locum PRHO job and spend a year like that before getting into Foundation Programme? A hudge mistake? Wrong choice? A step back? Or a desirable experience with getting dirty which one day might turn out to be significant. Hard to say.


The only fact for now is that without these complications in my life, I would have almost nothing interesting to write about. In fact, the best thing related to medicine happened today as our teacher asked if there's someone who'd like to help in the section of human body. Those who don't study in Poland should know that this was an amazing opportunity as in general we are allowed just to watch, listen & answer questions. And we do not touch until we're asked to do so.
So when he asked twice today and no one rised his hand, I've started to seriously consider joining the teacher. Of course I barely remembered basic things about how the section of a human should be done, as we've had it on our 3rd year, but I assumed that I will have to operate one day or cut someone open, so why do not start today with a cadaver. Don't get me worng, it's not that I enjoy cutting dead bodies! I've just decided that the 6th year is the highest time to start to learn some practice. Or at least to desire to learn.


When I raised my hand and asked if I can get dressed and where the gloves are, my colleagues were a bit shocked. But who doesn't try, he doesn't get. Another thing which I've learned today was to talk to doctors politely about what I'm about to do and how to very kindly ask them to give me instructions how to make the next step. Later on, everybody took gloves and started touching the liver as it presented a classic example of alcoholic steatosis. Well, at least I got the taste of how it is to be the youngest member of the medical team.

I feel like my life wouldn't be a 100% mine without ups and downs and its complications. I guess my life was designed like this, a winding path with lots of surprises.

Only facts

SunnyCinnamon News, Good Morning!

IELTS taken on July 16th brought a slight disappointment. The fact is that it will have to be taken once again but the exact date of the exam still remains unknown.

10 exams left to graduate! This means that the next two semesters are definitively the last two semesters of an unpredictable students-life and we are expected to celebrate the final exams with passion and an infinite enjoyment.

Waiting for October the 3rd and making decision about applying to FP is a hard time. Decision making brings many questions which unfortunately still remains unanswered.

Todays weather still remains unstable. The day is sunny although it's windy and the sky remains cloudy as it was yesterday.

Thank You for your attention and have a good day!

Confession

Late at night.. Lately..
Immagine a simple girl in a simple world.
I did so many things in my life.. And unfortunately not so many things have changed..

I did so many things in my short life and yet I think I'm unable to live my life.


FP in progress. I've read most of the information and news. I know that I know more than others. People text me and e-mail me with questions: where? when? what?
I do not feel like an expert. Definitely no.
I'm scared. But I guess it's normal when you decide to abandon your country and live your life somewhere else. Alone. I'll be almost like a hermit. Living alone with my feelings and thoughts. It's not good for me at all but what can I do?


IELTS in a week. I'd be lying if I say I'm not scared or I don't care. I care. And I am scared. But this fear is nothing to compare with what's about to happen next year at this time.
Two heavy suitcases and 'one way ticket'. Where? I don't know yet.


I was wondering why my coleagues decide to go back to small towns to begin their medical careers? I mean.. these places are boring, nothing happens there, people gossip and everybody knows everybody.
Then I've decided to spent my last long summer holidays at my hometown. A small town.
I live my life like everybody else in here. Cleaning, cooking, gardening.. and working.
Now I see. Life is simple. When you are 24 and you want to get married, have kids and a usual place to work - a small town is a perfect place to live. Most of al - it's simple!
I have to admit, I like it. Mowing the lawn, weeding, baking, shopping, cleaning ect.
It's great! ..but not for me. At least not when I'm 24 and I still want to see half of the things in the world.


So I guess.. constant searching for some adventure to achieve what I want - that's my destiny.

Sunny day

I can't remember when this whole idea has started. About Med School I mean.
Anyway it had to be somewhere in my head because nowadays I'm just about to finish 5th year of Medicine and start my last year in Poland. Currently I'm reading a lot about Foundation Programme in the UK, searching for all necessary information and trying to deal with all paper work and decisions where, when and how to get to my FY1 ;)