To the end..

According to what has happened lately I have to admit that nothing lasts forever.

Long story short: I am alone. How so?

I used to think.. no.. I used to have this feeling that I can rely on my best friends. I don't feel this way anymore. And surprisingly it doesn't hurt so bad. It almost doesn't hurt at all.
One of them has a really low self-esteem. One day lately we started a converstaion and out of nowhere I've felt like she has been atacking me and pointing out all my mistakes and bad behaviours from the past five years. I was speachless. Suddenly she brought in all the situations in which she felt hurt or insulted by me, although we spoke about them previously and I truly apologized for everything and she claimed she has no hurt feelings. What is more, she felt that everything I do is better and greater and worth more than what she has ever done in her life and obviously this was my fault too.
I was in shock and I've realized that something has just came to an end between us. I didn't say it out loud, but I was sure that nothing is going to be the same again.


About a week ago, in the middle of the night, I've received a message from my second friend. She wrote that I have to stop speaking 24/7 about O&G because she's sick of listening about it. Further, she mentioned that other people has their interests and their life too, and I behave like for the first time in my life someone appreciated my work.
I knew she was right so I just wrote "Ok" and that was it. We never started this topic again.
It was true that lately the only thing I talked about was O&G, but this is how I am when I am really into something. When I've been reading about FP in the UK it was the only thing I could talk about!
On the other hand, it is not completely true that I am not interested in my friends lives and achievements. However I am not that kind of person who will start to prove something immediately, just to illustrate somebodys' wrong opinion.
And the most important thing: staying in the O&G and being noticed by the teachers actualy WAS the first time when I've felt that I did a great job and someone noticed it.
Besides she is the one who - if our friend is calling - thinks that he wants to compete with her: who got the better grade, who got the bigger grand from the University ect. This is what defines them and my self-esteem doesn't depend on that.
My self-esteem used to depend on how my friends felt about me. But I guess it won't be like that any longer.


Previously I thought I can share my happiness with my friends. I don't think this way anymore.


Now I am not surprised why the greatest minds are alone and are being accused of being egoistic and selfish. I am not saying that I am the greatest mind, cause I'm not. But if I don't get married or have a kid in the next five years, I'll focus on my career and I'll achieve something really big. And I won't be able to share my happiness with my friends because either they will blame me of being concentrated on myself or they'll fell like my work is better than their own is.

It feels like a break-up of a five-years relationship. It should hurt more, much more. It doesn't. I'm on my own again and it's ok, I got used to that.

I get it why some of my collegues has chosen long time ago to not to get very close with other people. It makes sense to me now.