Ok, so here's the thing:
Some time ago, one of the readers of my polish blog where I write only about medicine, left a comment where she simply asked why I let medicine to become my whole life.
Tough question.. especially because I've never thought about myself as about someone who is focused only on medicine and has no other interests in life. In fact, I thought I've had hobbies like my travels, languages or gym and few times I've been working during summer. I mean - I kept doing things which were not related to medicine.
So I've visited this girls blog as she was from med school too and what I saw? Well, sure she was writing about medicine, but also a little bit about shopping, her boyfriend, usual daily stuff and how cute are the babies on Pediatrics. What is more she is the one who have passed all her exams in time while I am the one who is always behind with something..
So I can't see why it should be me to name The One who's more into Medicine..?
Maybe because I strictly separated my Med Life described on the blog from my Daily Life and the readers do not know much about my personal life.

On the other hand, there's not much going on in my private life. I'm a perfectionist, very strict and well organised who knows exactly what she wants. I have some fun with my friends from time to time and occasionally I like to have some fun with guys, but basically I do not date. I do not accept invitations from guys, at least not straight in the first place. If I don't like someone at the first time it is unlikely that I will like him later.
I have this weird feelings for the UK, no idea why. I adore their accents, history, tradition, some archaic models of behaviuor, victorian era, one pound coins, red telephone boxes, Jane Austen and her book.

And Medicine is not my whole life.
 

Woke up too late..!

It's very simple. I am a looser!
I have considered exploring my career in the UK, USA, Australia, Canada and Norway lately.. And I have never thought about Ireland!!!! How stupid am I? Hold on with the answer..!

So I've started to read about an Internship in Ireland which I think is the most similar to the one in Poland. And guess what.. The first stage of recruitment process has been closed three day ago..
Now you may answer: How stupid am I?!?!?! Why I've never thought about Ireland?!?!!?
The pain became even bigger when I've read that an IELTS result (7,5 from each domain of course) is going to be verified on the second stage of recruitment in Feb-March 2012, when I'll already have it!!!
Damn..! Again: how stupid, stupid, incredibly stupid am I?
Now my only rescue is something like LAT post or ANY additional posts which might become available in Northern Ireland, Scotland or Wales..
And still, I must get 7,5 from each domain!!! Am I too dumb to do that?!

Oh well.. apparently during my compulsory internship in Poland something unusual is going to happen..

To the end..

According to what has happened lately I have to admit that nothing lasts forever.

Long story short: I am alone. How so?

I used to think.. no.. I used to have this feeling that I can rely on my best friends. I don't feel this way anymore. And surprisingly it doesn't hurt so bad. It almost doesn't hurt at all.
One of them has a really low self-esteem. One day lately we started a converstaion and out of nowhere I've felt like she has been atacking me and pointing out all my mistakes and bad behaviours from the past five years. I was speachless. Suddenly she brought in all the situations in which she felt hurt or insulted by me, although we spoke about them previously and I truly apologized for everything and she claimed she has no hurt feelings. What is more, she felt that everything I do is better and greater and worth more than what she has ever done in her life and obviously this was my fault too.
I was in shock and I've realized that something has just came to an end between us. I didn't say it out loud, but I was sure that nothing is going to be the same again.


About a week ago, in the middle of the night, I've received a message from my second friend. She wrote that I have to stop speaking 24/7 about O&G because she's sick of listening about it. Further, she mentioned that other people has their interests and their life too, and I behave like for the first time in my life someone appreciated my work.
I knew she was right so I just wrote "Ok" and that was it. We never started this topic again.
It was true that lately the only thing I talked about was O&G, but this is how I am when I am really into something. When I've been reading about FP in the UK it was the only thing I could talk about!
On the other hand, it is not completely true that I am not interested in my friends lives and achievements. However I am not that kind of person who will start to prove something immediately, just to illustrate somebodys' wrong opinion.
And the most important thing: staying in the O&G and being noticed by the teachers actualy WAS the first time when I've felt that I did a great job and someone noticed it.
Besides she is the one who - if our friend is calling - thinks that he wants to compete with her: who got the better grade, who got the bigger grand from the University ect. This is what defines them and my self-esteem doesn't depend on that.
My self-esteem used to depend on how my friends felt about me. But I guess it won't be like that any longer.


Previously I thought I can share my happiness with my friends. I don't think this way anymore.


Now I am not surprised why the greatest minds are alone and are being accused of being egoistic and selfish. I am not saying that I am the greatest mind, cause I'm not. But if I don't get married or have a kid in the next five years, I'll focus on my career and I'll achieve something really big. And I won't be able to share my happiness with my friends because either they will blame me of being concentrated on myself or they'll fell like my work is better than their own is.

It feels like a break-up of a five-years relationship. It should hurt more, much more. It doesn't. I'm on my own again and it's ok, I got used to that.

I get it why some of my collegues has chosen long time ago to not to get very close with other people. It makes sense to me now.

In addition

Somehow I've missed 7th episode of "Junior Doctors: your life in their hands One Year Check Up" and I'm just watching it right now.
And oh my.. How I envy them! No, it's not that they took part in tv series, nor the fact that they have already started their work.. It's just.. That life! That feeling! I do realize it can be scary sometimes and everybody are afraid of their first night shift.. But still.. They actually ARE THE DOCTORS.
And I not only do have to wait few more months until my graduation, but also I'll have to wait a whole damn year untill August 2013..
Oh, how I'm hoping that they will have to make an additional recruitment round because they'll still have available places..! I really keep fingers firmly crossed for that!

I've also realized that by the end of their FY1 most of them is 25. I'm going to be 25 when I'll graduate! This means that they finish their school one year before we do in Poland. So I'm gonna be the old one! The elder Junior Doctor! How does that even sound?!

God, how I'm hoping for an additional recruitment round! 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------
Later that night..: Damn! They'll never make any additional recruitment round...!

Twisted plans

I would have written all of that in my polish blog, but.. Well, first of all my closest friends became the readers of the blog so they here me talking about the same things everyday, and second of all after not getting into the recrutation for FP, what many people would call a failure, I've decided that no one, absolutely no one from my colleagues will know what I'm about to do after graduation, nor where I'm about to go or what I'm about to start. 

I need that isolation. Previously I assumed that leaving country and not getting a full-registration as a doctor is such a risky decision, that I'll need everybody's opinion about what is the smartest thing to do. And then I started to listen to everybody's tips and hints, or I should say fears and it didn't bring any help. What's more, when everything went wrong, most of the people I know started to give such advices as "You should have done this.. You should have done that.." Darn! How irritating is that?! For the most of you, you should know that  this is very caracteristic for the most of polish people, who actually didn't emigrate - saying "You should have.." when actually something can't be undone. They do not have any advice before, nor after something went wrong. They just keep saying "You should have.."
Thanks to those of my closest friends who support me no matter what!

To continue what I was talking about, I guess I'll not jump into the FY1 straight after university. I guess I'll have a year of break and this is definitely not what I've planned.
The question was will I stay in PL or not, and as I've read some documents about getting and loosing the right to work as a doctor, I think I'm gonna leave anyway.
But none of my friends can hear about that, nor my family can! 
This has to be my own decision, not influenced by anyone! 

6th year and a twisted life

My 6th year schedule recomended me today to continue my Forensic Pathology lessons this week. Although they're quite interesting I still keep reading about preterm birth from Wiliams Obstetrics and another book. I've also started preparing for IELTS again though I haven't decided yet when I'll take it. 


To be honest, I'm confused. The thing is, I didn't send my documents to Eligibility Office as without an IELTS they were incomplite. Until I'll have a desirable result, for the UKFPO I'm not eligible to work as a Foundation Junior Doctor. The question is what to do next?


I could have talk this situation through with my friends but as long as they know nothing about the UK or living and working abroad, as long as they don't know the difference, they'll only keep telling me to think carefully leaving my country straight after our graduation, without even trying to get a full registration as a doctor and a licence to practice.


The only person who tries to talk me into leaving Poland straight after my last exam is a friend (..don't know when I started to consider him one..), let's call him PJM, who graduated this year and straight after he started his F1 somewhere near the London. When he heard about my failure, he told me to leave PL anyway, to go to the UK, find any job and call NHS or whoever to get any Locum PRHO or any F1 post left by someone, as he would do so. His scenerio would scare most of my friends and my family simply because there's too many question marks in this plan. People gets scared easily. They are scared of failure so they choose safe solutions.
Deep inside I'm not like this. I've understood that my failure after Erasmus in Italy made me feel unsure about my goals. After very busy but predictable 5th year and quite lazy summer, my desire to adventure and challenges keeps rising, so even now I can say where it leads me, to what sort of choices.


Another thing is that I let them (polish people I mean) to get into my head and I started to listen to this voice which tells me that I should follow the others, do the same things like they do and never ever try something else(!). I know, it sounds unrealistic, but this is how it is. If straight after high school you don't get to the faculty you've chosen, they'll make you feel like a looser. And you may keep saying that you have a plan, you want a gap year and you'll learn more about the life than they will, but it won't help at all. Cause they know better. Same with the exams and with post-graduate career. The smaller the city is, the worse the way of thinking is.
I've understood this paradox when I left Poland for a year to do the 4th year in Italy as an Erasmus. After, I've promised myself I won't follow their way of thinking again, and today after one year I've realized it happened again. It's good that now I can clearly see it so I can try to follow my plan anyway. 


I started to wonder, what would it be like to start as a Healthcare Assistant, get a provisional registration at GMC, search for a Locum PRHO job and spend a year like that before getting into Foundation Programme? A hudge mistake? Wrong choice? A step back? Or a desirable experience with getting dirty which one day might turn out to be significant. Hard to say.


The only fact for now is that without these complications in my life, I would have almost nothing interesting to write about. In fact, the best thing related to medicine happened today as our teacher asked if there's someone who'd like to help in the section of human body. Those who don't study in Poland should know that this was an amazing opportunity as in general we are allowed just to watch, listen & answer questions. And we do not touch until we're asked to do so.
So when he asked twice today and no one rised his hand, I've started to seriously consider joining the teacher. Of course I barely remembered basic things about how the section of a human should be done, as we've had it on our 3rd year, but I assumed that I will have to operate one day or cut someone open, so why do not start today with a cadaver. Don't get me worng, it's not that I enjoy cutting dead bodies! I've just decided that the 6th year is the highest time to start to learn some practice. Or at least to desire to learn.


When I raised my hand and asked if I can get dressed and where the gloves are, my colleagues were a bit shocked. But who doesn't try, he doesn't get. Another thing which I've learned today was to talk to doctors politely about what I'm about to do and how to very kindly ask them to give me instructions how to make the next step. Later on, everybody took gloves and started touching the liver as it presented a classic example of alcoholic steatosis. Well, at least I got the taste of how it is to be the youngest member of the medical team.

I feel like my life wouldn't be a 100% mine without ups and downs and its complications. I guess my life was designed like this, a winding path with lots of surprises.

Only facts

SunnyCinnamon News, Good Morning!

IELTS taken on July 16th brought a slight disappointment. The fact is that it will have to be taken once again but the exact date of the exam still remains unknown.

10 exams left to graduate! This means that the next two semesters are definitively the last two semesters of an unpredictable students-life and we are expected to celebrate the final exams with passion and an infinite enjoyment.

Waiting for October the 3rd and making decision about applying to FP is a hard time. Decision making brings many questions which unfortunately still remains unanswered.

Todays weather still remains unstable. The day is sunny although it's windy and the sky remains cloudy as it was yesterday.

Thank You for your attention and have a good day!

Confession

Late at night.. Lately..
Immagine a simple girl in a simple world.
I did so many things in my life.. And unfortunately not so many things have changed..

I did so many things in my short life and yet I think I'm unable to live my life.


FP in progress. I've read most of the information and news. I know that I know more than others. People text me and e-mail me with questions: where? when? what?
I do not feel like an expert. Definitely no.
I'm scared. But I guess it's normal when you decide to abandon your country and live your life somewhere else. Alone. I'll be almost like a hermit. Living alone with my feelings and thoughts. It's not good for me at all but what can I do?


IELTS in a week. I'd be lying if I say I'm not scared or I don't care. I care. And I am scared. But this fear is nothing to compare with what's about to happen next year at this time.
Two heavy suitcases and 'one way ticket'. Where? I don't know yet.


I was wondering why my coleagues decide to go back to small towns to begin their medical careers? I mean.. these places are boring, nothing happens there, people gossip and everybody knows everybody.
Then I've decided to spent my last long summer holidays at my hometown. A small town.
I live my life like everybody else in here. Cleaning, cooking, gardening.. and working.
Now I see. Life is simple. When you are 24 and you want to get married, have kids and a usual place to work - a small town is a perfect place to live. Most of al - it's simple!
I have to admit, I like it. Mowing the lawn, weeding, baking, shopping, cleaning ect.
It's great! ..but not for me. At least not when I'm 24 and I still want to see half of the things in the world.


So I guess.. constant searching for some adventure to achieve what I want - that's my destiny.

Sunny day

I can't remember when this whole idea has started. About Med School I mean.
Anyway it had to be somewhere in my head because nowadays I'm just about to finish 5th year of Medicine and start my last year in Poland. Currently I'm reading a lot about Foundation Programme in the UK, searching for all necessary information and trying to deal with all paper work and decisions where, when and how to get to my FY1 ;)